there will be stuff to untangle, recognizing how shame and anger (and fear) impact my life. i guess i was trying to shame that firestarter in the garden—like dad shamed me? it isn't logical, i know, but emotional.
i fear my own reactions.

r. says you can't shame someone into respecting you, or the environment, or life, or not doing egregious things. true. but she also says, i think trying to mitigate my anger, that the guy just didn't know how to light a fire, yet it was clear to me that he was just having fun pouring gas on the flames. my brain inflamed, and i felt him pouring gas on my burning brain.

yet i have to lean back and breathe and douse tend? bank? my own flames. to keep the fire low but alive. we can't douse the flames with shame.

 

i was going to send this to my therapist, i felt calmer and thought i would wait til my next session, i know basically what she will say and the thing is for the good of all i have to work toward equanimity, i have to do this myself, with help but ultimately myself. i have to make peace with myself.

i'm sorry for the trouble i make.