in the end we'll have to let everything go to begin again.

 i got sad and sullen in the old apartment. i felt the weight of the void i was trying to fill, through the years, there in that space. i was doing good, tending to one task after another, and it was getting lighter, but now the records, so heavy—and i never played a single one! they were so good, unheard. oh, silent weight. everything matters, everything has a specific weight that adds up and can crush you. i know what i want to do now, and i have to keep my spirit (and body!) in shape, to lighten the weight, to let the void be void, and not try to fill it. and i know it's not just physical stuff, it's mind stuff. it's light the soul wants, not stuff.

i visit the little swamp every time i go to pebble beach. it's humming with life. i talk to the pollinators. i'd like to be a pollinator too. what a life this is. it's real unique. 

 

i'm also obsessed with outdoor living, which is related to developments like the obamachron. i hope this fellow can make his domicile warm enough for winter. i saw him with his long beard and folding wagon today heading north and then south but by the time i passed by he was inside. one day i would like to greet him. it's fascinating and alarming to compare the life of someone living in a space like this with someone like obama who has palaces around the country and in the former public park.

 you may wonder if and if so why i'm obsessed with the obamachron. first, because the monster is across the street. second because it's an evil land grab of a public park by a guy who pretended to be a community activist and civil rights leader and turned out to be just another self-serving servant of empire. third because evil is compelling and local evil tends to be a microcosm of the macrocosm thereby providing a lens to observe the evil that is pandemic in the human system of extractive economy and war. fourth, i believe i can extract some aesthetic benefit from the grim ruin under construction down below.

 anyway, peace on ya, obama, maybe you'll be a good guy in the next life.

 it is evil to build a mega-development in a stolen public park because you can, because you are the oligarch and can build anywhere you damn well please. you may own many fabulous estates, and even own an erroneous peace prize, but you are a misleader and a deceiver and you do evil for profit in the forsaken world. 

 good morning saturday kids. i hope you slept well. i put down vertigo and picked up our strangers by lydia davis. short short stories like breath. the kids are smart and clear, imaginative and charming. if the world holds up they'll be good for it. 

 charlie and metra. how did you come up with the name metra? we were just walking by the train and it seemed like the perfect name. he was named trout before and we thought of calling him troutsky. or kilgore i said. he laughed but i wondered if he knew who kilgore trout was.

 you can't see the supermoon rising but cornell ave. is pulsing light though you can't tell in this picture.

 we watched savior complex about a white missionary in uganda who acted like a doctor but never studied medicine and didn't even know the right words. she was just winging it and kids died. god it's sad what the colonialists and missionaries do to africa. afterward we heard the coyote family yipping wildly when an ambulance went by.

 this new dog ma came with this little fluffy and she was so nervous. she said to the kids dogs can get nervous and do something and the kids said like bite? maybe. then she grabs the dog and says lets go these dogs are two big and split. she's gone give that dog little dog syndrome and the dog was totally cool with the kids and the dogs. the dog ma has no instinct. puff.

i need to read that note. 

 

you know how many strangers there are?

 

 i see six white doves and no bug. i've seen a sleeper here but i'm not sure if it's bug or not. i know bug feeds the white doves. i'll let you know of course if i see bug.

 i couldn't get to sleep last night so i got up and read vertigo. i forgot it was a full moon, no wonder. then i woke up and opened my cereal box upside down.

 mine.

 have you seen the ukrainian movie—the tribe? it's over two hours all in sign language and no translation. the tribe is all thugs mugging and beating and whoring. i couldn't make sense of anything—like the country, like the war. something strange and terrifying happening there. makes the oligarch in the park seem like a footnote.

you just go along day by day and you get more and more distracted til suddenly you find yourself at journey's end without a clue how you got there.   

 lulu at the fountain at the center of the world.

i was thinking how dogs like the left lane, and some people get annoyed. one guy said dogs are supposed to walk on the right, it's the law. he may have been joking but you never know with people. i laughed anyway. but on the streets, dog, anything goes, it's chaos, they drive down the middle of the street, without stopping!

everywhere i look i see faces, monkey. 

i see faces too, dug, but they're real faces, not imaginary.

my faces are too real.

you see what you imagine is real, you put a face on it—you don't see reality!

 my last walk with skunk and monkey. after two weeks we were getting in a groove, and my middle finger's almost healed. i learned something, i think. i appreciate them as they are, and while it was a struggle at times, i feel their qualified appreciation of me.

 me and skunk and monkey were paused at the front desk for treats and this fellow came past with his bike and i said i like your t-shirt and he said oh i almost forgot i was wearing it and then a lady said yeah that's what neville chamberlain said and when hitler came. oh, you can't argue with that logic, you'll never win. there will always be the next "just war". then the fellow joined us on the elevator and monkey barked and i said he's just barking in solidarity. we're on the elevator of peace, not the escalator of war.

the rising fall of the neoliberal world order.

 

 

we may feel that little untruths are harmless, but they can be like small cracks that weaken an overall structure over time. and this is a big fucking crack. this calls for further investigation.

 we were waiting for the elevator and a lady was getting off with a shopping cart and monkey barked and she said, alright! i'm hurrying! jeezus!

you may fool the public, but you can't fool the mother.