hi mom, we had to let copper go yesterday. i feel so sad like i lost my soul buddy. just wanted to let you know. he was so central to my life and expression of life that i don't quite know how to go on. i think if i didnt have renate i would just crumple. with her i can crumple and write about mister while she gets food. once he saved my life, and many times since, then renate did. so i'm lucky i had all those years with a great spirit of peace and love, and i hope i can continue like we did, somehow, without him. 

i'm glad he didn't die in winter, or when i was afflicted, or when he was sick. i would never be ready really for him to die, because i would want to be with him beyond this time. 

did i tell you how we met? it was while i was walking the cat wickett, and it was just a chance, being asked to walk mister, and i didn't know, but seeing him i somehow knew, as he danced wild circles in the kitchen, and through his wildness and fear and aggression, i saw his gentle soul. i knew the first week i think to take him off the leash, though on the streets he was a wild thing. on wooded island that first week he was free and saw and chased a coyote and i stood still and waited and he circled back around to me. that's when i really knew we could get through this whole thing. i trusted him, he trusted me. 

i want to write as it comes. it may be too much to read. all of this could vanish too. one day i'll leave and i don't know what i will leave. it would be wonderful to leave what mister left to me, so i will keep trying to say what it is.