funny, now i have more time and i'm free to walk more with r. it was lovely when it was we three. sometimes now already i think i'm doing fine and then something takes my breath away and then i think ok i can live i guess without him and then my heart caves and my lungs expand with gusts of wind. i say to r. i feel him, is that my longing?, i don't know for sure how it works but i felt he was with us all the way. i feel he is.