it's going to take time to think about him. this morning my thoughts were thinking-feeling, from touching r to touching him, and i felt the quickening sense of loss and of the continuous. i could feel him while touching r with sadness and appreciation. the memory of touch is alive and as the pain eases the wonder of touch rises. when i reached for him it was natural, correspondence, it was as i imagine a parent would touch a child. i didn't have that then, but that was the way i touched mister, as spontaneous as thought without thinking, the way he responded, the same as me, the way i longed to be touched as a child.