r. says there are things i could do with lulu but i don't because i'm stubborn. it's odd because i think i'm doing my best and then suddenly i'm shocked—it seems my best is ineffectual. i know i'm stubborn, i'm lazy too, and i just want things in my daily life to be simple. she says it's stubbornness but i think it's something else, something is missing, something within my brain. all i can come up with is try again tomorrow. and i hope lulu forgives me. sometimes, more often, it's like a pleasant dream. maybe therein lies the trouble, i the dream it flows along, but i can't rely on the dream, it's vulnerable to harsh incursions of untenable reality.