a few days ago he was running. it was an awful harrowing day, the tension built with his dilemma and i have to release it, but it's there, in the pandemic foreground. my eyes were dry and itchy, burning. i'm reading the dispossessed, about asylum and borders, and it's difficult to concentrate, preoccupied with mister. i turn out the light and as soon as i do i think of him in the veterinary cage and terror wafts through my chest. the thought of not having him in this world terrifies me. it will be a more alien place. now i don't have to get 
up for mister and i'm crying again. i hope he's peaceful and able to sleep.