what if all human systems fail and we enter a lapse where we can't go back to nature and we're totally dependent on technology and we can't function and we're stuck between a dying world and one yet to come. what if we're just waiting for the end and thought we were waiting for the beginning we won't be here to see. 

we try to watch beyond the visible: hilma af klint and it's enthralling and tantalizing but it stops every few seconds and i get anxious, can't bear it. we stop. listen to the wind keening r. reads a book and i write this. i can still write this, but what if we're in quarantine and bit by bit everything shuts down, or all at once, and we don't even have the library or the postal service. what is going to happen? there's still pen and paper. will it reopen and just go on as though normal was still a possibility. when hilma lived all of this was speculation. what can we speculate now. the paradigm we're living in is not reality, it's human technology, what has displaced a lot of things, the rest is still beyond the visible, beyond us as ever, so why worry something will happen, it all will happen as it happens. i'm too tired. i can't think. i'll just read some poems and go to sleep tomorrow's another day.