what was i reading the other day about the fear of being cast out. it pops into my head today like it came from there but it was put in there a few days ago, i don't know by who. it's not new, i just thought brushing my teeth the fear comes from my father splitting off from the family. he was casting off, but we were outcast. he left for a better life, a better family. i think it never felt like a whole family after that, especially when we went to those parents without partners events. for moments or hours perhaps it could feel like we were a big clan of outcasts, without. i may be reaching here. but i never felt like i belonged anywhere even before the split. so maybe i was born like this. it starts somewhere, some people say it starts before birth in another life and on backward to other lives and so on, with the sense of trying to connect one bead to a string that would have to go back infinitely granting a kind of reprieve from the present dilemma. oh boy i'm rambling. always something eludes me i want to say.