it's really depressing, i don't have the connection with little bear. did i have it and lose it? now it's just a struggle. life is flux and there'll be fluctuations and there've been good days but every day feels disconnected lately and little bear is not with me, she doesn't walk with me, she only pulls and jerks and i feel stupid ineffectual  unviable and untenable. with ben she is an angel so it has to be me. coming into winter i don't think i can handle being with her two hours a day. i could survive without the money until spring, and maybe get a dog that's mellow and sweet and trained. she's too wild for me, and i'm not disciplined enough to get us into a working relation. i know i will disappoint ben, but i think i have to let her go. who will take her, and what a failure this will be for me, but something has shifted and it's part of the whole shifting cosmos of things now. i don't understand and i can't figure it out. at first no one came and bear and i just walked around the yard doing nothing. thankfully jasper came along. i thought if she can just play with other dogs maybe we can continue, but we still have to be a team.