i'm hung up on this little bear dilemma and it's my dilemma and i know it's boring so don't bear with me here i just have to attempt to figure this thing in my mind and this is how i do it apparently i can't just sit quiet and think things through it's kind of embarrassing but it's been going on a long time and it's a stream i and you perhaps can just watch without judgement like a real stream. you might see some garbage floating down and wonder where it will end.                       so i haven't said i'm quitting or even thinking of quitting to the relevant party. it's still day to day at this point though i feel pretty futile and resigned this week. there were a couple points i thought of quitting lulu, and i stuck with her and later i was glad, and now i don't think of quitting though she still has some bad qualities i feel foolish about though i sometimes say i think it's not a puppy thing anymore it's a boxer thing all the while feeling i should have done something to get her to behave better. i could have some sympathy and tolerance for i have also behaved badly and still do in some crucial and stubbornly uncomprehending ways.                   too many words! arghh. 

it would all be ok if she could just walk with me, if i didn't feel like the sodden idiot at the end of the leash. that's all i had to say, and i say it with her but her nose is onto a maze of scents and my words fall flat below my feet. 

i can't think it clear. i'll try again monday as though it's a fresh start and yet i'm afraid i nor bear will feel that way.