i say sometimes i'd like to disappear but i really want to appear, to emerge sane and balanced in an insane imbalanced world. i hear it's a choice and i choose to see the bad things. i hear that i never see the good things. i guess that's how i appear. maybe i can help the way that i feel, maybe i can see the good things. but i can't help feeling the hurt in my mind and the immense pain the world generates.

today i felt some joy with charlie, we went to the memorial, and played in the grass until the rain came and we ran under the train arcade. the world can be scary for a puppy and i can keep a puppy safe. if i can do that can i make myself feel safe? 

i'll go see hilde this afternoon. she may be coming to her end.