i backed up my computer but now i gotta clear off the desktop and erase a whole lotta pictures. it's slowing down and freezing up. my left hand is turning into a crippled claw. right now it's usable but in the winter i don't know. and in the winter of my life so to speak. will i slowly stiffen and fold up like a leaf? i've seen that happen to others. i feel the need to communicate more in person and in art, but i feel a lack in my instinct, or my instinct has gone wandering. i feel a sense of futility and also a tenuous abiding hope. i wonder what is coming and what is left to learn. i read a lot of books and i want to write, i want to make something real out of reality, but i often wind up anxious incomprehensible and blank.