anxiety woke me up. it's 1:27 and i can't sleep. i have to get up and get charlie at 8:00. at least i don't have bear. sad. i might have been looking forward to bear, but i'm not. i think she's too much for me. i lost the other pointers, then mister, and bear came along and filled the gap some, but i feel like i can't handle her. i would be down to one dog, lulu, 5 days. plus mouna on fridays. but maybe it would be ok for the winter, the pandemic? it's getting worse. i'm actually afraid. something happened to me, i don't know, internally, maybe not the novel corona virus, but i'm infected with fear. if i was back at my place on the other side of hyde park there's no way i could keep going. i think i would hibernate and not wake up.  i feel precarious now. i've always felt precarious, but also somehow lucky, but i'm afraid, now is different. i'm not sure how. circumstances are different, i have a different life, but it's still precarious. if i could step outside my skin i'd stare and wonder about me, why am i so estranged, why do i feel like disappearing, what is going on inside me? am i going to give up on little bear? is r. going to give up on me? fear i'll never be understood, even by me. i'm going to be so tired tomorrow. but at least i don't have bear, i'm sad to be glad to say. i'll close here.