i think the best thing would be if you could just be yourself and be ok, maybe even thrive on being yourself. being alive feels traumatic, though, undermining, harrowing. maybe if i could be myself i'd be more together, stronger, safer. maybe lacking a cohesive self makes one defenseless. there's nowhere i can go with that. happy to be alive, but not happy. you can get a dog and therapy or whatever but you can't get happy unless you are already. it's like dna. these cats are waiting for food again. they ate 1.5 hours ago. whatever, they're hungry. if you're hungry you're hungry. people and cats can get fat but we're not fat. we're hungry. we're going to eat every two hours.
(super tired, don't mind me).