i had some resistance about therapy and noted that resistance in one place indicates resistance in others, all having to do with one relationship and another. i went back to therapy though and did a guided meditation in the garden. i grew aware of different sounds and sensations, dogs barking, whoosh of traffic on lsd like surf, birds tweeting in the honey locusts, wind joining everything, the follicles of my skin, breathing down to my belly, and down to my groin, and a rocking motion between belly and groin as i breathed through my nose and deep, awareness that the breath like wind moves in everything separate and together, the patterns on my eyelids sun lozenges dropping through the arching space of the interlaced trees, and the thoughts occurring not as thoughts apart but along with the senses, and the feeling of safety under the trees in the garden melding with the feeling of being at rest in bed with sleep and touch, and the memory that is yet a living space where i'm with mister, eyes closed and sun dappled on pebble beach, his feeling of safety and sense of belonging identical to mine. 
it was when i started going off in my head thinking she brought me back into my breathing and sense and it worked and i didn't feel the resistance or the breathlessness of mental flight.
and then i went swimming, and saw the beagle oliver, but it took a while to realize, and they said thank-you and showed me his new squeaky ball. and then i saw the person i used to see walking oliver and realized he was that oliver i already knew, and they must all share oliver, maybe communal living, and yet i didn't enquire, i learn some things and forget some and i think that's how my mind works, knowing, not knowing, remembering forgetting, seeing how things and people come around again in new combinations and puzzling continuity surprising sense. then i remembered long ago she said oliver won't swim, and now he does.
i'll remember that.