i'm not able to say what i feel or ask 
what i want i feel 
disconnected and only want to be reached 
found connected here however i feel 
by feeling whatever i feel not wrong 
i don't know how to ask or reach for what i want how to be in this place 
this place where so much suffering is made 
and it feels like a world made of suffering wanting love 
and solace gone knowing at once and the same time its here
in the garden in my last therapy she said i need to go home to the center like and i said home was an anxious home where i grew up that i like the word home but i wish it was more homey so we said calm calm is just calm not a place 
that's spose to be homey i was talking and then i was feeling maybe 
i just trailed off from the absent center like home that wasn't quite like like i was absent in school too i follow my story out by tossing crumbs of words and making trails in wilderness disappear—the world—how it feels—i could not just be be in the world 
how could i be without home in the world 
i know now is now its not back there it must be hold on not the world the whole the hole the center must be in me falling through and into and through and into