The ways that we treat each other, and the ways that we treat ourselves, sometimes make me feel like things are hopeless: this giant machine of thought that is capitalism/ oppression/ trauma/ not enough. All of the horrific things that are driven by the fear that we are not enough, and that we don't have enough.

The wound of 'not enough' fills pockets and keeps society going and makes us compare ourselves to each other, seeing some lives as more worthy than others. 'Not enough' is a wound that actually makes us close our hearts to each other (we are afraid of being seen as not-enough, so we cover the tenderness of our heart with all this other stuff, to make ourselves look like more). When we close our hearts to each other, then violence and othering becomes much easier: we no longer feel the innate connection that is a natural part of our species, so we don't see it as hurting ourselves, our sons, our brothers, our fathers. But someone other. Someone who's heart we never let touch ours.

I spend a lot of time mulling over the concept of guilt, and what guilt actually is. Guilt, as far as I've come with my thought lately, is a way to keep ourselves closed to the reality of a situation. Guilt keeps the lens focused on the self. Guilt, in other words, is a nice protective layer that keeps our selves as the center of the story, and protects us from the ripples of grief that affect all of us.

Which is to say, if there is guilt, you're entitled to feel how you want, but if you have it in you to soften the guilt and feel what's underneath it, then you might feel a welling up of something much more tender, and much more scary. Grief. Collective grief, personal grief, the grief of mourning, the grief of loss, the grief in the face of senseless violence. Allow that grief, and let it be personal but also let it be everyone's. Grief unites, is the great equalizer, is something that none of us are exempt from, and all know how to help each other with (a hand on the back, a hug, an 'I'm sorry', a 'you will get through this but it will be hard', a 'you are not alone').

Allow the grief to make you bigger.

If you feel into that grief even more, after allowing it to make you bigger, then what you might find is a little seed of something shiny. That seed of something shiny, if you allow it to grow, is your truth. The spark of you that is you. The spark that most of us believe isn't enough, because we were taught that it isn't enough. We are so afraid to even LOOK at it, because of how devastating it is to think that the core of our being isn't enough.

-rebecca altman

r. sent this and i said oh it's so windy but after i posted stuff i felt a little lighter and yes it's good, this is a part of it maybe enough i haven't finished if the rest is soul good i'll do another. it's enough.