i always felt i was searching for some explanation for why i am the way i am and i always felt like i was making up stories for inexplicably absent memories. there's a story there but i cant remember so i make up stories. i remember some things but i still feel like i'm telling stories, about me but implicating other people, relatives and then friends and partners. i was reading just now about dissociation. i remember sleeping in my kid size bed and floating up to the ceiling. it was so clear and tangible, my ghostly body felt real, and the real body felt unreal, sleeping like the dead. i wanted to float through the ceiling but i was also grateful to be held there. i hovered there in a peace that was more peaceful than sleep, yet also feeling like i was escaping myself, or my body. later on i had a partner who was incested by her father. she described the routine of switching bunks with her sister, taking turns, and said when it was her turn she would turn into the wall of the lower bunk. i always told the my floating story as an out of body experience but never considered whether something may have happened to make me leave my body. since it happened several times in this one bedroom i really wonder if something traumatic made my spirit fly up and my mind shut down and remember only flying, like a dream. i may never know but now it seems possible that it was both an out of body experience and dissociation. some events we cant fully remember may have gone into body memory and may explain why we do or feel things later we cant explain.
how can i change if we cant explain why i am the way i am. do i dis-remember things that happened? why did i find two partners who were raped by their fathers? was that a random thing? i often felt like i was trying to understand what happened to them, and i felt the trauma but i couldnt understand what happened to them because something i didnt know happened to me and i was almost envious not of what happened but how they knew.  
reading on, and thinking, the fact that my out of body floating to the ceiling experience was at the same house as my recurring nightmare of being carried in a pine box through the woods to be buried alive must be about more than late night ice cream after a b-horror movie. luckily i didnt dream about the other feature about a guy who was strapped to a hospital gurney and dismembered, unless i forgot the dream on waking, but not the movie. 
why do we misremember things  or blank out memories and why do we remember some long ago things more vividly than last nights dream.