oh i feel lazy. i have done nothing all day. well that's not true i went and paid the rent and rode to the point. ate wavy chips and sour cream and onion dip. took pix. it's new years day for crissakes. i see my dad with his skinny shoulders hunched in dismay hauling logs for the fire. i'm sitting there with rose. he says you could get off your ass and help looking at her, past me. she's 80 and his guest at his bluestone mansion. i'm shocked, she's crying, i'll never come here again. and she never did and she was dead in two years. he came the same hour she died and my sister and i there taking care and then bereft of care with him there and an hour later he said, let's order pizza, and we were hungry the whole time she was dying and while we waited for the delivery person they came and carried her out. i feel soul lazy today and i wish the old man was here to light a fire for me.