in my current therapy i'm not to talk of the past. maybe because it's inexhaustible, and we haven't that much time. maybe because she can't remember it—and it is an extraneous load. maybe there has to be an immediate therapy free of the past and the future. maybe it's just cognitive-behavioral. i don't like that way. i guess i'm looking for something to resolve that ancient knot of fear. i want to exhaust the inexhaustible. it's not magical thinking, i have the feeling it will take the life remaining to me, but how can i do otherwise, how can i say i'm here now, still here, without the fear.

and now i think, is this just words? is this too just a story i'm trying, weakly, to tell. and then i'm at the bottom of a frozen well.