i have this core sadness and shame i don't know if i can grow out of. it's like i just need to be held like a child and i'm not a child, but i don't feel like a man or know what a man is or how a man feels.

it's arbitrary but specific what happens i suppose. there's a sense to what happens and who we align with even if it's hard and painful. when i feel joy it feels natural, but there's a center that is raw and sad. and it's not fair to bring that, but it's already there. 

this is comet by mary. comet is a loving sensitive boy and we might have grown older together, maybe til the end, but the pandemic changed our course. i'm still glad to see him and hope to continue knowing him. i think once you know a dog it doesn't stop.