i'm reading, i'm trying to read, there's a throbbing house party by the tracks across from the midway, but that's common, it's common that i have trouble thinking, and i'm determined to read this book projections, a story of human emotions by karl deisseroth. i woke thinking about a dream i'd just left with my dad in it, left him there in a house by a river in a city with a dog, i think mister, disconcerted because it was there still but i couldn't remember. there was a part of a carrier to block the sidewalk when the bridge was raised which didn't raise anymore and i wondered why that barrier was preserved with a small gap only a skinny person turned sideways could pass. 

i may try to write a few notes about the book in order to think about it and to enter it. i have trouble thinking but i want to think and make some record of thoughts even though it may be no earthly use to anyone but me, if that. 

so there's negative valence and positive valence and it's the same for humans and other animals. if there are two rooms and one has the sensation of a wild kiss returned you enter that room instead of the other every time, i don't remember what the other room contained, maybe by chance you entered the kiss room first and the other one was pushed from mind untested. that's positive valence, and preference. in the other room perhaps there's a deep loss, a love loss, or death, and that one is negative valence, and avoidance. 

then i'm thinking maybe i can enter this room of the book and read and think, maybe it talks about avoidance and preference in a way that helps to understand the way we seek something that gives us that rush again, or avoid what reminds us of crushing loss. 

my soul may have detached from my body at a certain point or points and i think it came back but the point of severance is still within and it may wander and return when it feels safe or that rush comes.  

there's neuroscience in this book, he is a neuroscientist i think, i may only get some of the science and still glean enough to know what he's talking about.