i'm feeling a lot better. yesterday i saw a friend carrying a stone paver from the streets of the past they dumped thousands of in the lake that tumbled softly for a hundred years and she has over a hundred she carried to her garden. when she came on the new concrete seawall she waved and made a face saying it makes me sad to see you without mister and i said it makes me sad too but it feels like he's here with me invisibly. she doesn't have the same feeling about the place, it's not a spirit dwelling or place of meeting between planes of existence, a portal in of spacetime like for me. today at the library i got clairvoyant of the small, the life of robert walser by susan bernofsky and rode back to the beach and swam north and south and spun circles. swimming back i saw a junebug in distress or floating anyway and assuming they were not intentionally swimming for recreation i offered a ride to shore on my left index finger. a friend was there from before the pandemic and the sea wall fall and restoration and she asked after my rescue and then after mister and i told her and said i'm sad but i feel ok here and she lost her dog recently too. so that, and she also feels the spirit of the place, and people i meet there i met before it's like our spirits meet and we can speak fluently about spirit things and also about the grim prospect of the earth under occupation. after a spell of talk the junebug flew over the sea wall into the trees away.