i felt misgiving about the ending with little bear. when i saw her with ben he may have been preoccupied but my senses said he was not looking at me. after talking about it in session yesterday it was made clear that we had concluded without closure. in the last note with the photo album and severance bonus ben said he had a couple of things he'd like to meet to talk about. after the session yesterday i wrote to ask if he still wanted to talk about a couple of things, and i said i'd like to have feedback about my work with little bear over the year, positive or negative. there were a few times when he said let's meet and talk about a couple things and we did a couple times but each time i felt like something was left unsaid. now i wonder what it was.

i also realized that other times in my life things have ended without closure and i have just gone on, shut down, or angry and confused. 

ben has not responded, but when i sent messages before, or pictures, there was often a space of time before he replied. 

the thing about closure i guess is you don't always get it from the other person, and have to get it with yourself. 

how do i feel about my time with the little bear? i was conflicted, and it was a struggle, and ben and i didn't quite see eye to eye, but bear and i had come to a good place, and maybe at the time i recognized the misgiving was with ben. 

the need for closure is partly just curiosity about how he sees things, i know we are different and that was manifest in our ways with little bear. i may on a deeper level already know how he sees me, but i'd like to hear from ben.

i'd like to remain open until there is closure, even if there's not.