today we walked there and back because it's sunday and we only have one walk. i missed the the time we could walk without worrying about distance. we used to go past the aluminum man, and we could hop lightly over rough ground. now the aluminum man is gone and i look him and say maybe we went far enough. we have to get you back and have a bath. he looks at me grateful, i know he'd like to go on too. he feels sorry too. i must make sure he doesn't feel bad, and not get scared or upset or feel stressed or lost. all the things i feel. and today i felt lonely and that makes me sad, when it feels like he's receding from me. but he's right there when i stop and touch him, so warm and familiar. we've had so much time. we still have a little time. why feel lonely when he's here? there will be time enough. i don't want to anticipate but i can't help it, i want to be here for him and i feel awful when i get stuck in my head. he feels it too. i ask myself here, please stay present, don't get lost, be in the common heart now. that's where he is. i'm glad to go to his house and bathe him and feel his whole body, it's soothing. 
i feel like everything is disintegrating, and i need to be integral. it's a time of massive waste, but i don't want to waste too much time dwelling on that. 
at one time i didn't know what i was going to do. that time was the hard time, not this time. this lucky time i knew.
r. is coming now with a load of things from her mother's house. i'll get ready to receive her.