i don't know what to do with myself. i want to check myself in somewhere, a mental health spa in the mountains or on an island. i realized i have got stuck down in the old trauma i associate with my father. maybe i got stuck in a projection of that. i heard there are people who are called life naturals, who sleep peacefully every night and never feel anxiety. and that siblings can be anxious or life natural from birth. how does trauma affect a life natural ? i can't be born again. if i could i might be a life natural. i feel like i deserve that, after this anxious life. meanwhile i have to do something to restore or find peace and kindle some light. winter is coming. i can't swim and the light will continue shrinking more each day, until my birthday, when it will begin to grow again. that's two whole months from now, and winter will stretch on for maybe two months after that.