this is a story now, and maybe that's what it was supposed to be. 

i went to get rex and called the number to be buzzed in and a voice said i can't hear you! speak louder! a woman's voice. i thought she was deaf, and i spoke louder until i was yelling and then the line went dead, and i tried again. same same. then i went out and called the number on my phone same, same, same. then i texted i can't deal, i'm leaving. then i went in and tried again, now it was a male voice saying the same thing. then i tried to leave a voice mail. mailbox full. the front where i locked my bike smelled of piss. i went to swim.

the story goes on. in the water i felt, ahhh, this is better than that. then i thought i better check my phone. there was a message from the mother/grandmother. she said she was in the garage. then she said she was in the lobby. she wasn't. the lobby was empty, the front desk was empty. she said the voice i heard was the kid, not the live kid, it was a prank voicemail message. crazy right? now it's a story—i'm out. the phone which relayed the message i can't hear you was dysfunctional. 

ok this isn't coming together like a story. my brain is tired, my brain spins. i'm too hungry. try again later. maybe. i don't think so. go on please, ok. 

i had a feeling, not exactly a bad feeling, yesterday. my intuition, or one of my selves, was attempting to say something to my active intelligence. something was off, something was disjunctive. i walked out with v. and rex and i was talking about people and their dogs and she said you seem to focus on the person. that's where the trouble is i said. and actually that was the instinctive voice. i think it was talking to her. still i went on. i had connected with rex, and i thought, ok, i've had misgivings before, and worked with them, if not through. as we walked we talked about the new viral version and breakthrough and from there i talked about the collapse. she asked how the collapse would manifest and i rattled off the ways it was currently manifesting, how we were already in the collapse. and she asked what we should do, and i said be vigilant, take care, etc. but what i was feeling was trust your intuition. but therein was the rub. it was disjunctive, and i was overruling my own intuition with a kind of hope for the best narrative. oh, i also talked about chaos theory and complexity theory! ha, today i said it's too complicated!

oh i wish i could just have trusted my gut. the building bothered me, with it's muzzle policy, and the family dynamic, which i could not figure out. the story, the situation i'm trying to relegate as story, rather awkwardly, isn't over. i know there's more. i may be considered a jerk in a particular version of the story. but i'm relieved! i know now what my intuition felt, and standing at the door with the message i can't hear you! speak louder!  i can say was like unto the part of me that failed to heed the message my intuition was sending me. 

i apologize for all the words that could have surely been fewer and said more plain and simply.

anyway the bottom line in my heart is i'm sorry for rex. it should have been simple. what a stupid thing, a prank voicemail that prevented mw from walking him. but it was more than that, it was the whole constellated collapsing narrative thing.

last thing. i felt if i did continue and try again something bad would happen. now i had a bad feeling i could not shake.