i know this is not breaking news
Saturday, July 31, 2021
the cats make me a better person. i keep looking at the place where the black rat snake lay under the train track arcade. before, i saw the ouroboros drawing. i was focused on the snake and didn't see that the snake was just below the drawing. penny lu just came in. i was going to sleep more. i can try to be a btter person. i left the e out and then thought bitter. i've been a bitter person. better now but by degrees, i don't know if people would agree. anyway it's early but now i rubbed penny lu's head and she's drooling and purring and reaching for my hand and i'm hungry. there's different hungers but the physical is first.
Friday, July 30, 2021
remember that ad i think it was a ronnie raygun ad for the so-called war on drugs? showing an egg with a voice over saying this is your brain and then the hand cracking the egg into a frying pan says this is your brain on drugs? i thought of that ad just now when i was thinking about capitalism and so-called democracy.
i miss the lightness of my lost glasses. these old ray bans are heavy,
pressing on the bones of my honker. i feel lighter without the life
of pessoa though hovering over me a particular vastation, undone. all
those personas, and he himself a chronic ghost. kind of a hero though,
his life an inward quest of the self without self, inventing surrogates
endlessly until finally giving up the ghost and being one ordinary
nobody. i'm glad it's cooler. a body was found by the harbor. an abandoned
boat was found last week. i got a new book by the writer of american war,
omar el akkad. i got leos carax boy meets girl, jacques deray la piscine,
wojnarowicz and the simpsons movie.
Thursday, July 29, 2021
the heat dome was pressing down so i thought i might expire. i had a deep itch again in the precise spot on my left arm. i scootched ahead a few hundred pages in pessoa—goddam that biographer—makes me think less of fernando, i get the balls and all approach but a life is too much sometimes, the gravity is hard to hold, we're such freaky creatures, specially geniuses. i long to load it back to the lib. the heat was slowly lifting in here and then came the wind and the rain hit the building like a train 3:21. up reading pessoa goddam.
Wednesday, July 28, 2021
the dollar says in god we trust below a pyramid with an eye
radiating laser light beams as i recall the god we trust was money
and some still do but few as more and more get ruined by god
and that all seeing eye was creepy long before the nsa and the nso's
pegasus usually depicted as pure white power with wings beating
desperately to keep the beast aloft in the depraved new world sky
order and why we like dogs is they're not neo-anything
they're actually good
pagans though they don't need the word to comprehend
and only because they live with us they hafta like nafta have money.
i'm on page 404 of pessoa. it's like 100 degrees and they're scraping and painting the fire escape. look at the stamp catalogue. i might buy the raven shirt if it didn't have forever usa all up and down the left sleeve, especially on the left sleeve, but anywhere, not on my body, thank you please. the dog stamps are shit. page 25 they put george h.w. bush underneath t. rex. all the forevers are crossed out which is presumably so you can't use them for a federal crime but i see the cross as subversive of the arrogant and increasingly desperate empire.
forever usa! (exclamation mine).
the nso group is an israeli corporation that uses malware called pegasus
to target human rights activists and journalists and their families.
it's a state terrorist technology tool to repress and threaten people
and suppress truth around the globe. it's the most sophisticated program
for the suppression of democracy. forensic architecture is making this
invisible network visible. and the targets are speaking out.
and resistance is growing.
by the way, the word of the day is fealty.
Tuesday, July 27, 2021
from a historical perspective our spiritual development has lagged
behind our material development, and we're paying for that.
if humanity perishes, it will only be because the processof human
development wasn't harmonious, and because humanity didn't evolve
spiritually, but was driven by fear. humankind defended itself against
the world instead of merging with it and establishing a connection with
it. humans transformed interaction into a painful daily leveraging of
power against one another that is irritating, useless and excruciating
instead of making that exchange something pleasurable. politicians we
entrusted with planning our future were planning our destruction.
andrei tarkovsky
i'm working on pause before react and closure not shutdown. i'm listening to brian eno, digital violence: how the nso group enables state terror. it's fascinating that this terrible technology could become art. i'm super impressed with forensic architecture. there's a place to pause between fight or flight where one can observe what is going on inside and around one invisibly, where one can feel the invisible. there's a tuning of necessity.
Monday, July 26, 2021
the billionaires are not in charge, except of their politicians. the weapons industry, the u.s. empire, nature is in charge of them, fools all, they represent no one. their fate is as unpredictable as ours now, as unpredictable as nature, though they made it the way it is. the deal they think they made to rule the world? it's undone.
i had the sense of blunt impact today, maybe a warning. the air is bad and may be why my vision is dim. i didn't go to the water, not wanting to risk being on the bike riding around with machines. glad i only have lulu and i can be still and feed the cats and read pessoa the rest of the day and into the night. i think i'll make me a salad and watch tarkovsky, the mirror, tonight.
i think the sense of dismay about what i've done and what i might have done is receding. or ebbing anyway.
i felt misgiving about the ending with little bear. when i saw her with ben he may have been preoccupied but my senses said he was not looking at me. after talking about it in session yesterday it was made clear that we had concluded without closure. in the last note with the photo album and severance bonus ben said he had a couple of things he'd like to meet to talk about. after the session yesterday i wrote to ask if he still wanted to talk about a couple of things, and i said i'd like to have feedback about my work with little bear over the year, positive or negative. there were a few times when he said let's meet and talk about a couple things and we did a couple times but each time i felt like something was left unsaid. now i wonder what it was.
i also realized that other times in my life things have ended without closure and i have just gone on, shut down, or angry and confused.
ben has not responded, but when i sent messages before, or pictures, there was often a space of time before he replied.
the thing about closure i guess is you don't always get it from the other person, and have to get it with yourself.
how do i feel about my time with the little bear? i was conflicted, and it was a struggle, and ben and i didn't quite see eye to eye, but bear and i had come to a good place, and maybe at the time i recognized the misgiving was with ben.
the need for closure is partly just curiosity about how he sees things, i know we are different and that was manifest in our ways with little bear. i may on a deeper level already know how he sees me, but i'd like to hear from ben.
i'd like to remain open until there is closure, even if there's not.
the u.s. has been killing people by remotely piloted drone attack for 20 years. the killers watch on computer screens and cheer like at sporting events. they praise the national bird, the drone. they call it war porn. if a paid assassin's conscience wakes up and they expose the facts of genocidal war crime they face prison, as the whistleblower daniel hale does now. thank you daniel, i'm glad you came alive, while the mercenary state terrorist drone murder continues. war is not for democracy, it's for profit.
Sunday, July 25, 2021
i been thinking about how this land was taken from the people who lived here before, and it's being taken again from people who came after, and so on. some say there was no civilization here, it was all swamp, but you know it's a lie. we don't have much say since we don't have much money anyway and anyway what right do we have to the land. we only rent a little place built by others in the once upon a time swamp.
some think chaos and anarchy are the same thing. that's not true. chaos is what the capitalists make; anarchy is what the artists create.
i'm deleting pictures, a lot, but there's so much more. to delete. when you want to just keep going and why back up what should just pass on. and i have the massive life of pessoa. one life, phew. and i got a sesh in 26 mins. what am i gonna talk about. hah. it's all there it's all here it's all inside around you. open the dam. release. more and more will come.
there's a long motorcycle parade heading east on the midway toward obamaland.
and mou got pancreatitis. we knew something was up with mou after the vet extracted her tooth. she was cowering in bed and then chasing dogs and barking mad.
these things seem unrelated but let's just say for all our sakes everything is related and we have nothing, and everything to lose .
we want to say they had a good life.
we want it to be true.
for us and them.
do we know, what makes it good? yes, i think so.
we think about a good life. sometimes we wish
for another life, life we had, we dreamed, life to come.
we summon life from within us. come out we say
come out and play.
i'm sorry for your loss we say
and have a nice rest of your day.
for all their troubles we say
they had a good life
we lived for them
they lived for us.
that's what we hope
to say anyway
for all we know
in the end
for all of us.
had to close all west windows between storms yesterday opened with a gasp.
good journey, r.
felt sad with comet in that contraption for carrying him downstairs. the trust in his eyes.
everything moves. even when sitting still.
things build up and dissipate. human things gather to extract,
humans gather to dissipate,
like storms, but unlike.
between storms storms gather.
humans rush
this way and that.
dream of release.
Saturday, July 24, 2021
i went to see about comet's sling contraption. he was so patient while we got flustered. we got it hooked up and made it downstairs but it was hard and i can't imagine doing it every day let alone six times a day. we thought of a winch off the back porch but had scary visions. maybe he can go back to vista and the elevator before and after surgery.
feeling fragility and chaos. body and world. i went to get books: pessoa (oh my dog—937 pages), bolt from the blue 264 pages easy-peasy, the voice of sheila chandra, homes—poems, a breeze. but i still got 460 pages of shirley jackson.
after the library a dip in the blue water, saw some kids i knew who grew aloof. just before, and a car flew off the drive up on the rocks and the air a haze of weed and the driver says it seemed to me ain't no little boys out here today. like me? i think. big boy got towed away.
things happen even if we take care, but we don't hafta like nafta add to the chaos. in the collapse we need to take more care.