when i got there mister was laying in the hall by the front door, his usual place now, where he can see both the bedroom and the back door. he started to rise and slumped back down. when he got up i saw something on the floor and thought uh oh a rope toy but it was just his red harness. he came to me kind of twisted and lurching. i got so sad because i was already. sad about the condition of life on the planet, because mister is having a hard time walking, and because i don't understand what is going on, and because i do and there's no remedy. and because i can't just be sanguine with the way it is and can't shed the fear of what is coming our way. 
whelp, the white honey bear cat jasper is sitting at the foot of the bed looking at me in the closet mirror and the orange honey girl penny is in the tub chewing the curtain and murring and the cats call me back to the ordinary world for food and care, and i can do this thing and i'm adrift so to speak but i'm here.