mister was panting loud at 3am and scooting toward my side of the bed. i could reach down and rub his head, and then he calmed and i got calm. i remember years ago he was agitated in the night and would start panting and fidgeting and pacing around. now everything he may have always done we have to read as unprecedented. my sister is caretaker for a gentleman who is dying and said memories of grandma rose rise up, and i hadn't thought of rose in some time, but i noted the similar feeling of watching mister. i didn't rub rose's head. she was alone in her room, and we didn't have touch for language between us, but she may have been calmed if we had. i think the last night my sister slept on the floor or a cot by rose's bed. strange how the bed of life becomes a death bed. i'm so glad she could be in her own bed looking out at the green mountain through the sliding glass with white moth decals casting shadows around her head and on her white headboard. i should have rubbed her head, but i was afraid too. she was a rather fierce old girl. anyway last night i felt a shift from anticipation of the test results and the vacillation between grief and hope into a calm of presence and focus on doing the death work, thinking mister's death might be imminent, we don't know, so hands on, no shrinking into private grief now, there's work to do, being present, not withdrawing but centering, it's a work that needs doing together if possible, and it is possible, and good work, and it is.

post dat. r. is upset and says that the above is poetic and all but that it's not accurate, not what's happening. maybe i am being melodramatic. i hope i haven't upset everyone. but i've been seeing and hearing concern about him and pronouncements of the end for some time now, and i've been the one to downplay them, because i see the spirit of life in him. and i see and feel it today. it gets scary at night a little, but in the sunlight today i feel his spirit and his life is strong, and he could go on for a good stretch of time. 

so read the above as working on the emotions that rise up when i contemplate dying. i really don't know how long we have, but i feel calmer expressing the feelings that come with not knowing, and the fear and sadness that comes along. 

post dat. i wrote to mister's mom. i see i have to strive for balance not just expression of whatever comes up. i have to think of the effect on others of my words and emotions.

to mister's mom.

i got melodramatic last night when he was breathing rapidly. he seems fine this morn. if you read my posts remember i have the tendency to rhapsodize emotionally.

he had a god poop this morn and he feels Alive.