i feel like i'm trauma. r. says it's like i have no center, so how can i be there for someone else. if something bad happens i just want to crawl away and die. maybe my center is trauma, and there no place for that, it's not healthy, not reciprocal. it has nothing to give, it's dead, but it's painful, because it's still alive, it's not dead yet. it's just trauma, it's moribund, more dead than alive. i feel like i'm waiting for the sentence, the prognosis, but i don't go to the doctor, so it doesn't come. yet what is it when i feel silly and light? is that just denial? 
i say mister is my best friend, but maybe that's just my projection. is it a pathetic projection of a trauma that can't connect with another human? is it sabotage by trauma? i'm trying to write myself out of this morass and it's not happening. and there seems no way through it. but what a beautiful sunset.