i didn't want to wake up today. these were going to be a post yesterday, but i went home.
i wondered if any critters had moved in. the sounds were familiar yet strange, the place is dusty, the bed like i left it, but with a dark shadow of the blanket on the sheet where the sun had not faded. i woke hungry. i still haven't eaten. i'm at the library. i got enough food now in my pack and soon i'll go back there and face it in the light. it's numbing to think i lived there in such a way. my life crashed backward yesterday. when i was younger i thought i won't live to 60, sorry so sad, i'll be sixty in seven weeks. i cried in his fur in the stairwell and was on the verge the whole walk. we walked to the swamp, mister trailing, i looking back urging him on and crying. i thought i was doing better, but i think it was just managing better, tentatively, and inside i'm still the same broken one. i don't know how i'll survive the winter. i've said that and other things so many times, but now i'm on the edge of sixty, and i'm tired down in my bones and in my soul.
at the moment i can't explain. i'm in the thick of it today.