in this life it seems i'm bound to be an awkward soul not understanding the world and not knowing how to communicate. i got a lot of shame about it. my head gets in a quick knot and i can't undo it. i don't know how i do it not knowing how t0 do it i do something i know not what. knot of unknowing. the timing is not good not good time when it should be good when it gets knotted up with shame and anger. why can't i do it good? it's a small unknown it's all made up in my head. what the animals don't know, what the bother is with me. tomorrow it'll be just the cats and mister and me, here in my head knot. i knotted everything up again.
my dad was in corporate communications. he had a way with people. he was the star of every room. with me he was silent, with this son he couldn't communicate. did he feel shame? i believe with him and his dad it was the same way. the shame must come from somewhere, it comes so naturally. they both wanted to take a walk with me and i was struck with terror at the impending silence. is it natural, how nature made me, how shame is a made thing? i'm silent like that now. i'm struck the way dad's silence struck before me i'm struck in myself, dad's gone, granddad's gone into the silence. it still strikes me, i'm stricken, i'm struck silent.