i want to be happy. i don't want to hurt or be hurt or make anger or be angry. and i have done those things. i can't program myself like a computer, i am as i was made and at some point as i carried on making myself. but i read this morning that we learn happiness, and i suppose we learn to be sad. that's why i'm glad i don't have kids, i don't want to teach sadness. but if i live long enough, can i learn happiness?
i learned some ways to fend off unhappiness, but alone. i didn't learn to be happy from mom, who says she laughs every day to fend off unhappiness but when i asked her one time if she was happy said i never think of happiness. well, i think of sadness a lot, and i wonder if i can teach myself, with a little or a lot of help, to think of happiness a lot, or a little more, little by little, to love more, to let myself be loved. somewhere in the mom time i didn't make the connection between intimacy and independence. i got trapped in between, i think. i have to learn to be happy with another human or i have to be happy enough with books and movies and animals. as i write this, and my head is a cloud on a stem, jasper the snow white bear cat is snoozing happily beside me.