sometimes i'm not conscious of how something affects me but i feel the effect, like i was watching marriage story and i felt my own family disaster without thinking of it. today we saw mischa in the model yacht basin and i took bear in. there's a feeling of desolation that spreading now i'm sure, but i've always been a melancholy boy, so there's layers to this. no doubt the model yacht pond drained is desolate, it's just a concrete circle, and it's the place mister was almost murdered and a place i always avoided usually anyway, not wishing to go outside to be fenced in. but bear has no associations like that and mischa seemed lonely in there though that's my projection he was happy to be with little bear. 

i've often over the years felt i'm on the outside looking in.