soul good to see my hilde. sweet dear gentle girl growing old and loved with time, her eyes clouding, i'm soul glad she sees me. last night i had an elaborate dream about choosing life, in the dream i was struggling with the feeling that i didn't choose and just let it happen, and when i woke up i felt i was actually asserting that i did let things happen, but i also make things happen, i do choose. not just books. books come to me, like stones, like gifts, like dogs, like people, and when they come i choose them, or let them go. mostly i choose the thing that chooses me, i don't often see until some time after the thing arrives, and i think then that's a good thing.

but i see why my dreams were occupied with choosing. it's also a waking theme. i've felt like a drifting theme, sometimes a song, other times a stone. my talk therapy is on that theme, i can choose, not be drifting haplessly, drifting purposely, saying yes or no and choosing by the way. i've struggled with freedom and what it means to be, and i see it is choosing, meaning what i mean, by nature, happening not haplessly.