i don't recall much about my childhood in the house. i remember dinner, the fucking clean plate club, dancing in the basement to mony mony feels so good, the space behind my headboard i once brought a girl unless i dreamed it. i don't remember getting hit but i grew up anxious that i was about to get it all the time. 
with young dogs a primitive impulse arises, feral, anxious, and i struggle with feelings of shame and loss of control. 
i didn't grow up patient, i grew up anxious. it all comes up in relation, and in a particular way with puppies. i fear i lack the patience to teach. i don't know how they get it, or how i got it, i feel like i wasn't taught, i just learned, but maybe i stopped short. 
i think i need help with little bear though i'm only a walker, i never claimed to be a teacher. still to help myself i need to help bear. let's see. she's a wild hunter. she would be great in the country. somebody said these are not city dogs. well i'm not really either, i just ended up here, with a dog like bear.