horoscope says you may be moody and withdrawn today, and to let your thoughts spill out on paper. the weather is sullen grey and cold, welcome. i only have myself and the cats today.
i'm moody and withdrawn often, too often, and i want to be light and playful. the world is still that way if we can. it's dire, but light is about if we can.
i don't spill on paper thoughts or collage. it's all pixels and it's all in here out there. it spills while it inheres, out there. the material is light, immaterial. you have the same. it's passing.
volatile too, i get that way. and it may be stress from unprocessed anxiety, it may be the fear that joins the molecules of the planetary atmosphere. it may be loneliness too. the way we're not just stuck in a paradigm not of our making, or requiring our unmaking, one that did not encourage us but manipulated us, but also stuck in our bodies, wanting out. 
it seems we want to stay but we also want to escape. if we can stay we want to be free. but freedom is compromised all the time. 
i haven't done well enough in relationship. i haven't been able to be myself, relaxed and open. well, for moments. maybe the most when waking up and cuddling. though i've been a loner a long time. if i had a family like that, i would be continuous. i've always felt discontinuous. always wondered how to continue. how to be, who i am? i'm nothing, starting from a negative place, a bad marriage, a worse compromise, just holding on. even in here i'm only able to see a who in glimpses i don't retain. or maybe. maybe it all will matter and comprise a consciousness in the end. i'd like to cohere, and i'd like to be good for someone to love.