we went up to zion and saw a dune nudist. he was staring at us way up the beach and when we came close he sat down in his beach chair. i acted nonchalant and then waved and smiled and he smiled and r. said i just waved too and he waved at me. he seemed quite happy, and i remembered times when i have partaken of the liberty of being nude in nature and the memory made me happy again again. 
and then i had to show my lulu. is she not the cutest kid?

we keep practicing.

i'll try to be patient with myself. i'll try to meditate as i go. but it's hard. i wish i had a dog like mister now, but there's no dog like mister, i wish i could be my own dog like mister was to me. if i could be that good i think i could function better in this world, but all i can do is keep trying as i did with mister to do better. i am fallable. and the world is falling apart around me.

six hundred trumpers from suburbia stormed portland. one patriot prayer dead. amazing. this country so sick with hate. the great sick one, trump, is in his sick glory, praised his great patriots of hate.

The key element of social control is the strategy of distraction that is to divert public attention from important issues and changes decided by political and economic elites through the technique of flood or flooding continuous distractions and insignificant information.

Chomsky

             trust in your gut now, trust your discerning power, take note of organic joy deep in catastrophe. go where you need to go, the need is everywhere. love revolution.

we're living in a conspiracy alright, no theorizing necessary. the police are killing in cahoots with the vigilante militia. killing freedom, killing protest, killing killing killing. we're living in a state of terror and despair.

we saw scheme birds last night. i didn't remember if it was a drama or doc. it was both. it was scotland but could have been anywhere. they destroyed the factories and put up tower projects to house the people without livelihood. the towers were called schemes—the inhabitants scheme birds. in the end they will destroy the towers and the people will disappear, and people from somewhere else will build on the land of the dispossessed citizens.

When apparent stability disintegrates,
As it must —
God is Change —
People tend to give in
To fear and depression,
To need and greed.
When no influence is strong enough
To unify people
They divide.
They struggle,
One against one,
Group against group,
For survival, position, power.
They remember old hates and generate new ones,
They create chaos and nurture it.
They kill and kill and kill,
Until they are exhausted and destroyed,
Until they are conquered by outside forces,
Or until one of them becomes
A leader
Most will follow,
Or a tyrant
Most fear.


Octavia Butler
Earthseed

biden or trump? are they fucking kidding? wail, i guess we choose the lesser neoliberal neofascist right? it's a real no brainer.

  Choose your leaders with wisdom and forethought.
To be led by a coward is to be controlled by all that the coward fears.
To be led by a fool is to be led by the opportunists who control the fool.
To be led by a thief is to offer up your most precious treasures to be stolen.
To be led by a liar is to ask to be told lies.
To be led by a tyrant is to sell yourself and those you love into slavery.   

Octavia Butler, 
Earthseed
 

      
we are what occupies us 
we are not the occupation.

you can say that again, but i didn't say anything. that's ok, you can say it any 
way. it's not the first time when you say it it won't be the last. even if i say to you
nothing, say it again.

frank jones drew his pictures in prison while i was being born and drawing milk. mister has been gone now many weeks. mister loved to roll in leaves. i still take pictures of my shadow. i love the beauty of banality. most books we will never read, most animals we will never meet. we know them all deep down like ourselves. the same mystery attaches us to things.

do you know how i feel? i had that, thinking about little bear, about you, who you are,
i and he have the dog, and lives messaging through the dog, what is the message, i feel it but i don't know, somebody said it's not me it's the words that are asking, we're asking for feeling, why words, the dogs fill up our hearts, with the want to spill. then i read about another book from down under, it would be the third in line if, about people who cometo understand the animals in a pandemic. the dogs look at me with a question. if i answer them i only know i feel good, i know i can feel better.

last night, this morning, wave wall waves, sprayed with wildness, absorbing waves, wish i could write, quick flashing rainbows, meeting little bear and ben, distracted no pictures, little bear to be tuesday spayed, wild thing hunting, always wanting, jumped in off the south point, cat nap without cat, looking at black tourmaline and garnet with r. what do we need we do need. seems like all is lost, but no it's still here, seems like i can't concentrate long, unless i read, words pass through like pictures. down in the pit of my stomach. how long. in the end, the great unraveling masquerade.

I never hear that one is dead
  Without the chance of Life
  Afresh annihilating me
  That mightiest Belief,

  Too mighty for the Daily mind
  That tilling it’s abyss,
  Had Madness, had it once or, Twice
  The yawning Consciousness,

  Beliefs are Bandaged, like the Tongue
  When Terror were it told
  In any Tone commensurate
  Would strike us instant Dead -

  I do not know the man so bold
  He dare in lonely Place
  That awful stranger - Consciousness
  Deliberately face -

Emily Dickinson 

happy endings. last night we saw happy end. epidemic depression on the rise among americans. 1 out of 4 18-24 year olds consider suicide. suicide is the 10th leading cause of death in america. far more suicides than deaths from covid. society becomes increasingly sick with disease and people are dying of despair. society becomes its own pathology. mental and spiritual suffering preceded the trump virus. this society is structured on fundamental deprivation. wow. we are really in for it now.

how can anyone with a lick of sense believe the idiot's swill of the sick fuck trump? yet they do. this is an alien place.

dude, we are in prison out here too. the hate is thick as thieves. americans are buying more guns than ever. we are fixing for all out civil war. this shit's gonna burn.

well that was my day pretty much. our day. poor bear had a bummer swim but still a good time after we escaped the flies. she ate a crunchy cicada shell. later found a live one in the alley but she prompted it to fly. i used to pose fife the pitbull in front of the unitarian sign. they do it good. that dog in the brick jail yard thinks they own the place, sheesh. the crow tipi is still there but it kind of smells like pee now. good light anyway. dig the gingko mural and little bear posing so nice. went to the liberry and got an unknown book man of my time and happy end by michael haneke. night can't come soon enough. it's brutally hot. after the lib i rode to pebble beach and saw a couple from before corona and before they fenced and blocked it off and i was glad to see someone familiar but they were odd, i was friendly and she said her brother's dog couldn't come because of a hurt leg, and i realized that was her brother, the guy with the black dog who tried to kill mister and i'm not glad the dog's hurt but glad they both can't make it there anymore, and sad that mister can't either while the black beast is away. the places we rested are crumbled, but parts of the old wall still stand and the dugs petroglyph. when i left the couple ignored me. i went and walked lulu through the shadows and the blazing sun to the mist fountain and today it was the finest with steady rainbows and deja lu joy. then i went straight back to pebble beach and parked my bike on the sea wall and climbed in next to that couple who didn't look and ignored them too though i saw them not look and i had a beautiful wonderful swim for mister and me without mister the first time since he died. i was almost thinking i would retire from this place but no way in hell. i'm back, mister! and i don't need to talk to anyone unless they are cool. that couple is dumb and boring and the brother's a weirdo. but that place! it's so changed, but it's energy continues to uplift and inspire, and it's waaaay better than the point. after i packed to roll i stopped and put my glasses  in my pocket and dove off a stone further south like the one me and mister used to lay on together which caved in. then i went further and saw th slippery when wet pavement i watched the painter paint a mosaic now and found a bottle buried. it's cracked but intact and old with bubbles. then i washed it and i pictured the cute graffiti and a birthday memorial. then i dove in again and climbed out onto the old diving board frame. so what do you think, a pretty good day, right? still here!