thinking about staying.

i was thinking about staying. thinking about staying together. thinking about the need for intimacy and thinking about estrangement, even from myself. i was thinking of how mom and dad stayed together, without connection, waiting til us kids grew up, waiting for a miracle, just waiting in hope-in-inertia, buried alive.
i realized in the past i never really committed but simply stayed, not together, holding my breath and gasping, i realized, out of fear, out of inertia, replaying my parent drama while denying my own. i realized today—just today?—that staying together does not necessarily mean getting stuck in a futile drama of failed intimacy, doesn't mean an endless war of emotional attrition and wasted life, doesn't mean we are doomed and there is no way out, now possibility of being loved and being free. it occurred to me staying together may mean everything.