i used to say if we can just get over the bridge then we can get to the water. we just need to see the water. i'm not sure mister did anymore, before the corona, but he always wanted to go to the swamp where the rabbits live, and drink from the spring. when we got in the water he always came out energized. now we miss the water so. mister may not miss it as much as he loved it before but i know he misses it in his memory. it feels like we're living in memory now. and in suspense, not for the future, but for the inevitable, for what is coming in spite of us, and in a sense because of us, because we were captured and lost control of ourselves, of our lives. we live now in a situation where people whose only concern is profit can put forever chemicals in our water and our food. where they can capture and withhold vital supplies and watch us die. how long is forever, longer than life, we know this in our bones, the harm that is being caused for profit now will be around much longer than we will. i have these pandemic dreams but they are hardly urgent now, there's an inertia in the dreams, not knowing what to do even though you can do anything in dreams, that's how we know real defeat, when we're defeated awake and in our dreams.
last night all i remember is standing holding a shopping cart full of papers in the apartment. 
that's all i remember but i know there was more to the story.