in a pause from the zoom retreat we go to the midway in the rain. the rain increases and boots leak and it's only weather it's ok to be wet, it's rain, so why do i get upset. my coat is old it has that chemical rainproofing that breathes and whatever breathes breathes rain. i throw it out, thinking of the toxic landfill. that chemical forever is in our bodies too. either wear old style rubber or get wet. no more chemical layers between me and nature. oh nature,
i'm sad for my nature. how did i get this way. it's all growing in the rain though. the old mulberry tree breathes bubbles and she'll soon grow leaves and mulberries. we'll be coming back to the old tree as long as we can, as long as it lasts. i'm getting older and i still i keep trying to get protection. i'm going back to rubber, i don't want any more fancy layers with toxic chemicals that end up in landfill. it's too late i know, they've tested, these forever chemicals are in everybody's body. be that as it may i'm a slow learner and i put too much credence in the technology and i know it's the deadly technology. and i can get rubber or waxed canvas. and i just had the thought that i shame myself with my sulking, and my sulks are like a kid who doesn't get enough attention and doesn't know how to get the good kind and gets negative attention and withdraws to sulk further alone inside. r. was communing with the old mulberry not knowing what kind of tree she was, never having tasted her fruit. we'll go back soon and she will be giving us her beauteous purple berry love.
i'm not zooming talk therapy. my therapist said maybe i need to keep the momentum but actually i keep starting every time so the momentum is just the speed of life (or slowness) and i think i'll be ok. there are many different ways of meditation and therapy. cats, trees, dogs—even rain if you can love it for what it is, not threatening, water of life. i think we'll be ok, we have love, we just get angry sometimes, we get disgruntled, but it's all life, it's just rain, it's just skin, it's just life. we're here to survive the pandemic and make love prevail.