i stuck with beside myself and am near the end. it's an odd book, sometimes boring, but i can't tell if things are boring because i'm bored or if they're inherently boring.

i keep getting stuck. last night all night pandemic dreams. everyone had pandemic beards, like a new orthodoxy, a shelter in place counterculturality, and affectation i'm sure i'm sure will be shaved off soon as the order is lifted. i don't know if the girls wore beards. i guess maybe it was a dude dream. doing this stupid dream work continuing the futile day by day. it's not futility, it's rest, why can't you see it plain. anyway the dream yielded nil in terms of tale.

sometimes we are contentious, at times i withdraw, at times i wanna be alone but not alone alone. who knows if we'll survive. who knows what will survive this time.