after a while the masks seem like they have other uses. today i was riding maskless and sucking in floating seeds or airborne particulates  and coughing. i want to be masked with people anyway. the status quo feels deadly. i shaved my head and face, i may get the second place shot tomorrow. i spent a lot of years trying to pretend to feel good and frankly i felt like hell for trying. actually i was trying not to feel so bad and felt worse realizing i didn't have to work that hard, only different. the realization didn't work magic, i'm still trying without drugs.