we missed the conjunction and then the last full moon of the year. they happened out of sight. tonight we'll watch patti smith's birthday concert if zoom doesn't fail. we looked at grandpa's stamp albums from germany before and after the war, then i read pigeons on the grass titled after gertrude stein, written just after the fall of the german empire yet it doesn't seem like that shrouded dark time in the imagination and newsreels, it seems modern, like now, but i keep falling asleep. i wish i could nap. when i try to nap i get anxious. what does that mean? when i was little i had insomnia, i never wanted to go to sleep, i was scared of sleeping. i'd nod off and feel myself plummeting and jerk awake. where does fear come from? it's ok, i can stay awake now. i hardly have to work, one dog a day. people think the new year is some kind of magic line. i never celebrated it much and when i did i got blasted on bug juice so i could disappear in plain sight. i want to be soul quiet, but not hiding, not afraid, i want to pay homage to what is good that remains to be seen, what remains.