they're zooming xmas in 35 minutes. i feel lousy behind my eyes and in my tummy. i asked mom about that idyllic nuclear family phase in deerfield illinois. i want to see what she remembers. how she remembers. we all remember different things, and she's 84 now—she remembers differently than she did before. she remembers me always happy, i remember me mostly sad, though i see me smiling naturally as a lad of the past. i may attend the zoom room xmas as a fly on the wall. can i do that? is it allowed? would i be swatted? i didn't want to be sad for xmas, but what do you do if you do feel sad. does xmas hafta be happy? i can't accept that, and i try to opt out, cuz like the police, like america, i don't believe it can be reformed. i think it just carries on the tradition come what may. can i have a pagan xmas? sure i can, but any alternative will still require the laying of the ghosts.