do you ever feel like a baby grown up? sometimes i'd like to be swaddled and, no that's silly, i can swaddle myself. the world feels alienating to me and i think it always has been. when i say that, i see dad looking at me, quizzically, sardonically. we never could share thoughts. i think we both went blank. i can't imagine what it would feel like to be close with dad. he always made me feel so isolated and disconnected. i feel that in the world. i can get like him easily though, just stymied. though he acted composed, said nothing was wrong. my half sister asked some questions, wanting to write a book about him. i wonder if she will. the journal or diary or whatever he left behind is still a secret i doubt i'll ever see. i don't think i really want to read it anyway. it's not such a pleasant one but he remains a cipher and a sad mystery to me.