Wednesday, September 19, 2018
i read a key to treehouse living, and thought of the people living in treehouses in the black forest so to protect them from being cut down. i liked the story, that was just a list of words and phrases in alphabetical order, that seems oblique but establishes a voice and a mind thinking, and an oblique narrative emerges. however, i don't think i can swing do androids dream of electric sheep, and can keep my perfect record of zero one book, one chicago books, though in future one may come along that i've read, and still maintain my record of zero.
i say i'm going to try to be more pragmatic but it sounds like eight words more or less. feeling disquiet, feeling futile, what if i give my attention to things i can be a part of. the cataclysms of society will still impact me, but perhaps there is sanity in not wasting attention and energy and despairing the things that are beyond me. can i even change me. this is not a pragmatic time, the feeling is not pragmatic. the time feels insane and i feel insane with the time. these are not pragmatic times. these are not pragmatic feelings. i can't opt out and i can't opt in. this is how it's always been. it's not just a default mode. as far as i am able i choose. i have opted out to the degree that i can, and it is a little pragmatic, yet quite problematic. i've tried to be in but not of this world as a non-believer, in money, or technology, or a presiding godhead. i don't feel like i came from another world, nor that i will go to another world. mostly i've felt stuck in this one and despaired that it is the only world, and that i have one life, so this is the first and last world, and i can't adapt, and i have wasted precious time. and that a lot of people have wasted precious time, and that we have wasted energy to the end of exhaustion of our lives and the lives of others many of whom we have never identified.
i start out tired. it's only wednesday i say but i work every day and can't stop. it's not just the news, it's my soul that is unquiet, still i'm going to not look at any news for an experiment and see how i feel. i say i pick up on things anyway, that i have antennae. but i look at stuff and it does get worse and certainly we can't look at the news for hope, so, what if i can just focus on pragmatic things. on presences rather than disturbances. what if i can calm myself as i wish i could calm lulu. now i'm going to get ready to go get mister, and i'm going to go as slowly as he needs, and i'm going to try to make a silence in myself that i can live within and take on walks with me.