i saw someone from the past today. i saw her before down here but i was ashamed to say because i was so messed up then and once climbed her fire escape coked up and she let me in and i disintegrated in her loft on her wooden swing seat and melted in a druggy sweat and gas and addled infatuation. so i acted like a stranger and she did too, until today when we met without embarrassment. i don't know why. thinking about that last time i always got a shiver of shame, but today it was as if we were meeting in a way for the first time though having tangentially known each other before. it was another life for me almost, though it's still often ghosting this present one. i'm so glad this one is sober, and though i'm much older, my disintegration now is more organic, un-drugged.

she asked what i was doing and i said well my life is pretty circumscribed, if that's the right word, just the dogs, and i think i said the blog, though i didn't elaborate or give her this address. i think of how little i've done, really, i've been so inward, walking around taking the same pictures on different days, saying the same things on different days, mostly to the dog, the same dog, or talking to myself, talking to r., singing to the dog, i mean that's it, that's what i've been doing, it's kind of embarrassing, people like her were always doing things, painting giant tromp l'oeil on buildings, painting, i don't know what else. anyway, i don't compare myself, i just feel embarrassed at how little i've accomplished. 
hey what is all this saying anyway. i don't know, earlier today riley asked what's new? and i felt the same, like oh god, i don't even know what's new, what's wrong with me, nothing's new, but admitting that lets me just sigh a minute, and just be. 
all i can say is i'm glad i'm not doing what i used to do. and frankly i'm happy and proud in my doing, even if it sounds like nothing much. compared with what i used to do, it's a wonderful lot. i want to thank me for living long enough to be thankful for this simple life.